Death of Me
by Ladywhitetiger
Summary: Kira is finding life unbearable without Gin. He wants answers from his ex-taicho, and won't stop until he understands what is going on in Gin's mind. Gin/Kira, Aizen/Gin, and other possible couples. Rated Teen for possible later chapters.
1. Mystery of you

**A/N:** Hey guys! This is my first Bleach fanfiction, containing my two favourite pairings ever - Gin/Kira and Aizen/Gin, with possible hints of other pairings as well. This fic was prompted by listening to every songs under the sun by the band _Red_. In fact, the name of this fic is also the name of one of the songs - Death of Me.

It's been a while since I've actually written a fic, so I will appreciate any comments or hints at all! I'd also like to know if you'd like me to continue with this story, or whether I should just leave it as a one shot. This chapter is rather short but it looked a hell of a lot longer on Word Processor XD; Never mind.

_**WARNING:**_ This fic contains shonen-ai/yaoi, swearing, and possible OOC-ness [though I will try my best to keep them in character!] and is set after the first arc.

**Chapter 1 - Mystery of You**

Seireitei had once been such a peaceful, happy place for Kira Izuru. Getting up everyday to serve his Captain was a joyous occasion, once upon a time. Just being around Ichimaru Gin made his skin tingle with excitement, as much as it made everyone else's crawl, and the smile he always wore became infectious, a happy disease.

Of course, now everything had gone completely wrong, it really did feel like a disease. Ichimaru Gin, his beloved Captain, had become a traitor. Now he found it hard to get up every morning, knowing that the life he had known and loved had crumbled around him. Now he knew the happy smile behind his ex-Captain's face had been a terrible façade that hid his true motives and attitude.

Now Izuru sat in Gin's office, at his desk, going through his papers to find some sort of clue as to what he and the other two traitors were up to. Well, that was what Captain-Commander Yamamoto had told him to do. He, however, was looking for answers. Why would Gin feel the need to betray the Gotei 13? Why would he abandon everything he had taught his loyal division? … and the question that burnt itself into his mind; Why did Gin not take him, Izuru, with him?

Gin knew perfectly well that Izuru was his most loyal subordinate. Hell, he had even gone as far as to practically force the vice-captain to fight against one of his best friends, Himamori Momo. And Kira didn't mind, as long as Gin kept him by his side, always.

_But of course_, Izuru thought, _he decided that Aizen-taicho was worth more to him_. A dreadful pang of jealousy suddenly struck him in the chest, and he crumpled up the paper in his hand, unable to contain the rage and confusion inside. He hated Aizen. He hated him so much. How dare he take his beloved Captain away?! Unable to control himself he stood up suddenly, knocking the chair back, and struck all the papers and items off the desk.

As he was pulling the drawers out of the desk, he felt a pair of familiar strong arms hold him back. He struggled fiercely, determined to get his revenge by destroying Gin's old office.

"Kira-kun, this isn't the way to go about getting revenge or finding answers," said the gruff, stern voice. "You'll destroy all the evidence and clues we need if you're not careful!"

Izuru turned his blue gaze onto the face of another best friend - Abarai Renji. The red head seemed to be having no trouble at all holding back the blonde vice-captain's rage.

"Abarai-kun - !"

"I knew telling you to handle this was a bad idea. Look, why don't you go out and get some fresh air? I'll deal with the mess and any clues that could be lying around here." And without giving him time to react, Renji had dragged Izuru outside and slammed the door.

Izuru's jealous rage left him as soon as the door shut. He now felt numb, confused. Slowly but surely, he turned his back on the office and shuffled off. He didn't know where he was going, but he had to get as far away as possible. His slow shuffle began to turn into a jog, and then a full on run. He wanted to run from the grasp his former Captain had on him, to run from the rage that had sprung upon him.

As he ran, he kept his head down to hide his tear-stained face from the other Shinigami, who looked completely confused as to why the 3rd division vice-captain was running around in the 9th division quarters. Since he had his head down, running into someone was inevitable. He didn't dare look up at the Shinigami he had crashed into, fearful that everyone would see his tears and deem him too weak to be a vice-captain.

"Kira-kun, are you alright?" asked the calm man. Izuru didn't answer, though he realised he must have run into someone important because of the way he had just been addressed. A Captain, most likely. All the more reason not to look up.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be clearing out your ex-Captain's office?"

_You're making it sound like he's my dead lover_, cringed Izuru in his head. The cringe must have appeared on the outside too, as the man sighed.

"I'm sorry, it's not the nicest of jobs is it? I've only just finished going through Tousen-san's myself," he said in reply, pulling the emotionally-injured blonde up and steadying him.

"Kira-kun, you're exhausted! Come on, let's talk in here."

Izuru found himself being led into a training room that had recently been vacated, and heard the door shut softly behind him. He saw the sandal-clad feet of the man walking towards him, and then a gentle hand lifted his face up. Serious, purple eyes stared back at him, although the tears in his own eyes blurred them a little.

"Kira-kun…" Shuuhei sighed again. "Your eyes are red and puffy. You've been crying?"

Izuru's blue eyes found the floor again. "I'm so weak Hisagi-san."

"I can see that, you have really dark circles around your eyes and you can barely stand! Have you slept or eaten anything?"

Izuru shook his head, his unusually untamed hair falling over his face.

"No I haven't. But I don't mean weak in that sense. Hinamori and I were broken when our Captains left us. She's in hospital recovering, and she won't be right for a long time, from what Hitsugaya-taicho was saying. I'm just a complete mess. But you Hisagi-san… it's like you haven't been affected by Tousen-taicho leaving!"

Shuuhei looked at Izuru with wide eyes, and then started to laugh. Shocked, the blonde stared at the older man. "Oh Kira-kun. I'm just as broken as you and Momo. To be honest, I can understand why Gin-taicho would leave with Aizen-taicho. Gin-taicho was once Aizen-taicho's vice captain. But Tousen, he had what seemed like nothing to do with those two at all. When he turned his back on us… there's no way to describe it really. I was shocked, angry and confused, just like you. I guess I'm just not that great at showing my emotions!"

"I wish I had that ability, Hisagi-san."

"What do you mean?"

"Gin-taicho… he meant everything to me. Everything I did, said. It was all for him. He taught me so much and I wanted to give as much back to him as I could."

"Did you… love him?"

Izuru fell silent. He had never thought about that before. That question just buzzed around in his confused mind, turning into many more questions.

"I…I'm not sure," came his eventual, stuttered reply. "I just wanted to be around him all the time, please him, make him happy. And that also made me happy. But I'm sure you and Hinamori did exactly the same!"

Shuuhei shook his head, black hair swaying gracefully. "No, Kira-kun. Although it is true, all vice-captains admire their Captain's differently to other people, my relationship to Tousen-taicho was like that of a brother or best friend. Hinamori thought of Aizen-taicho as a father figure. Your admiration however… it's different. Maybe it's the same as what Gin-taicho felt for Aizen-taicho."

"So you're saying that Gin-taicho left with Aizen-taicho… because he was in love?"

"Think about it Kira-kun. You're quite similar to how Gin-taicho was when he was a vice-captain. Full of admiration for his Captain, adamant to make him happy because he felt like he was in debt."

Izuru looked at the floor again. Shuuhei was right. He felt so selfish… yet so jealous of Aizen. It wasn't fair. He still wished Gin had picked him over the older man.

"But for now, I think you should get some sleep. You look like you're about to pass out," Shuuhei added, kindly. He put an arm around Izuru, and with the help of some carefully executed shunpo, they were in 3rd division vice-captain quarters. Shuuhei laid Izuru down on the bed and smiled down at him.

"It's okay Kira-kun, we'll figure it out together. Get some rest, you need it."

With those words Izuru felt his eyes become heavy, as if Wabisuke had touched them, and he gradually fell into a deep sleep.

-----------

**A/N:** Enjoying it so far? R&R please, it would help so much! ^^


	2. Return to You

**A/N: **So, chapter 2! Apologies for not updating all weekend, I was in Newcastle visiting my boyfriend~ but I was writing on paper, so all was not lost XD

I've randomly gotten back into Burimyu [Bleach Musical] stuff again. TUTI FTW 8D I love those guys XD I watched Code 001 and a whole load of backstage stoof :3

ANYWAYS, story. I hope you enjoy it, I've worked hard on it! Special thanks to _Still Evil Flame_ for reviewing. It means a lot, thank you :3

_**WARNING:**_ This fic contains shonen-ai/yaoi, swearing, and possible OOC-ness [though I will try my best to keep them in character!] and is set after the first arc.

**Chapter 2 - Return to You**

It was still dark when Izuru woke up. He blinked a few times as he slowly remembered why his face was stiff with tear stains. He sat up and swung his legs around, the talk with Shuuhei coming into focus alongside his vision.

He took a look at the clock that sat on his desk. 3am. He must have fallen asleep really early to wake up at this hour. Realising there was no way he was going to go back to sleep, the vice-captain decided that the best thing to do was just get ready for another day of hard work.

He shuffled into the bathroom and splashed water on his face in an attempt to get rid of the swollen eyes, the black bags underneath them and the stiffness on his cheeks. As he did so, a small clatter caught the attention of his sensitive ears.

"Who would be up at this hour?" Izuru wondered. Without a second thought, he quickly slid on his straw sandals and headed off towards the source of the sound - 3rd Division's Captain's quarters.

Slowly but surely, he slid the door open, trying to keep as quiet as possible. "Hello?" he whispered as he entered. He noticed that Renji had put the room back the way it had been before the Izuru went on his violent, anti-Aizen rampage. There was also a note, messily hand written by the red head himself.

"Kira-kun, tidied up your mess for you. Be grateful, Ikkaku won't let me hear the end of it. There's something you might like on the wall behind you, Hisagi-san told me you'd appreciate it. Renji."

Izuru put the note back down and turned around to see what Renji had written about. His tired eyes suddenly became full of life as he spotted the gift hanging on the hook. It was Gin's old Captain haori. Disbelievingly, he approached it. This haori had always been hung there when Gin was off-duty.

The vice-captain's clammy hands clutched the folds of the fabric. It still felt warm and soft, and if he closed his eyes he could even imagine his Captain wearing it. He took it off the hook and held it to his face. It still held a strong scent of Gin; sweet and musky. It was Izuru's favourite smell, and he quickly found himself inhaling the smell like a drug addict desperate to get high. Although it may as well have been a drug, because every time he inhaled, precious memories came flooding back to him.

Seeing him for the first time, fighting off a hollow to save his and his friend's lives.

Becoming vice-captain.

Wandering around Seireitei talking with Gin.

Sitting in the Captain's quarters and writing reports.

Gin breaking him out of jail to have him by his side.

The more he remembered, the more he wanted the sweet smell.

"That's a bit creepy, don't ya think Kira-kun?"

Izuru nearly died of fright, and dropped the haori in a panic, suddenly shattering the memories in oblivion once more. That voice… it couldn't be!

"I…I…Ichimaru-taicho?" Izuru whispered hoarsely.

"Ahh, so ya haven't forgotten me yet? That's nice, Izuru!" the white-haired man said, stepping towards the trembling vice-captain. His smile seemed to stretch further than it usually did. Was he happy to see the vice-captain? Izuru couldn't tell.

"But… dropping my haori on the floor is disrespectful, dontcha think?"

"Taicho, I have so much to ask you! Please don't go back to Hueco Mundo!"

Gin sighed lightly as he picked up the haori that no longer belonged to him. "Ah, Kira-kun. How could I forget your loyalty to me? Unfortunately I don't have much time here, but I guess I can entertain ya for a bit." He hung the haori up on the hook again, and proceeded to go and sit behind the desk.

"Why did you come back?"

"I had something ta take care of. But keep my visit a secret, okay?" he answered, bringing a single finger to his lips.

"Y…yes! But, can't you take me with you?"

"Aizen-sama don't trust ya, Izuru."

Izuru's fists clenched. Of course, Aizen didn't want him getting in the way of his relationship with Gin. Eliminating the competition, as it were. The urge to go on another rampage rose inside him again, but he fought against it.

"What does it matter?! You trust me taicho! I'd take any order from you!"

Gin just chuckled. "You miss me, dontcha?"

"N…no I just-"

"Don't lie to me. I always know when ya lie, ya stutter a tremble," Gin cut in, standing up. He walked around the table towards Izuru. The said, trembling vice-captain looked up at Gin.

"Ya have bags under ya eyes. Ya pale. You've obviously been crying."

Kira looked at the floor, in shame of his Captain knowing of how weak he had been without him.

"Life don't revolve around me, Izuru. Move on. And sort yerself out, you're a complete mess. Go."

"But-!"

"Bai bai~!" Gin waved and turned his back.

"Taicho, I'm in love with you!" Izuru found himself shouting. When he realised what he said, he gasped and blushed deeply, clapping a hand to his mouth.

Gin just stood motionless for what seemed like hours. But in reality, it only took him a few seconds before he used shunpo to deliver a powerful punch to Izuru's toned abdomen. He collapsed, winded.

"I've seen what became of Hinamori. It'd kill me ta see ya like that," the ex-captain said softly, catching Izuru as he fell and picking him up bridal style.

Izuru clung desperately to Gin's new attire. It already smelt sweet and musky. He also rested his head on Gin's chest, the calm, steady heartbeat calming Izuru down completely.

Gin laid his ex-vice-captain on the bed he had recently just risen from, but Izuru refused to let go of the sweet smelling robe. He didn't want to give Gin up again, but the man he adored wasn't making it easy. Gin just stood there, leaning over Izuru calmly, not doing anything to free himself from the firm grasp.

"Taicho… please…"

Gin was no longer smiling. He looked… sad and sympathetic. Izuru wanted to be the reason Gin smiled. He wanted to be loved and adored by him, as much as Izuru did him. Why couldn't he see that? The angry urge was quickly replaced by despair, and he was soon fighting the urge to cry. He was determined not to show his weakness in front of Gin, terrified it would chase him away.

Eventually Gin took hold of Izuru's wrist and gently pried the robes from his grasp. "Sleep, Izuru."

He couldn't help but obey, and again he fell asleep.

As he slept, Gin lightly brushed over Izuru's lips. He remembered them being soft and full of life once, but now they were chapped and pale. Guilt clung to him as Izuru had just done, and he withdrew his hand from the blonde's deathly face as if he'd just been burned.

"Look after yerself Kira-kun, I don't wanna see you like this again…"

He stepped away, towards the window. And with the wind, he disappeared out of the window as the sun began to rise over the white buildings that made up the city of Seireitei.

----

**A/N:** Sorry for it being so short, again x-x; My writing style is usually 'to the point', as it were, which means really short chapters... and urgh, the layout of this is terrible, I'm sorry. Again, it looked fine on the word processor document. I'll probably end up revising these earlier chapters at some point. Ai-yai-yai XD

Chapter 3 is already being written so it shouldn't be too long before another update. Please R&R, I'd appreciate any comments at all! :D


	3. Take It All Away

**A/N: **Yay chapter 3! 8D *happy dance of happiness*

I'm really having fun writing this fic. I'm renowned for starting fics and never finishing them... but I think I'm definatly going to finish this one :3

Special thanks to Still Evil Flame and yaoi-fun-fan for reviewing. I really appreciate it guys, lots of luff~! Especially as my chapters aren't as long as a lot of people's XD; srsly gaiz, thanks for putting up with it :3

_**WARNING:**_ This fic contains shonen-ai/yaoi, swearing, and possible OOC-ness [though I will try my best to keep them in character!] and is set after the first arc.

**Chapter 3 - Take It All Away**

Gin returned to the darkness of Hueco Mundo. As much as he wished to be of any help to Aizen, he wished that they didn't have to reside in shadows. He liked the daylight, the sun. It made him happy.

As he walked through Las Noches, two Arrancar walked around the corner. It was pure luck that Gin had put a smile back on his face, as his previous expression would have raised suspicion that he had left Hueco Mundo without permission.

"Gin-sama!" the shorter Arrancar called. "Everyone's been looking for you!"

"Is that so, Luppi?" their superior said beneath his happy mask.

"No shit, our second-in-command and Aizen's right hand man went missing. We were starting to think you'd been killed," the blue haired Arrancar grinned, psychotically.

"We'll tell the others that we found you. Aizen-sama wants to see you."

"Thanks Luppi, Grimmjow," he said through gritted teeth.

He knew. Aizen knew Gin had gone to Seireitei. With heavy footsteps, he had no choice but to approach the throne room. Tousen wasn't there, but Aizen was. They stared at each other for a few minutes before Aizen spoke. "What drove you to return Gin? Did you miss Seireitei?"

He spoke softly, but Gin new Aizen all too well. He knew Aizen was furious.

"I.. forgot something. That's all," came Gin's eventual reply, his own happy fake tone reflecting Aizen's calm one.

"Which was?"

"I forgot to say bye to Izuru. That's all!"

Aizen sighed and stood. "Come Ichimaru, we must talk." He beckoned Gin to a back room, where he closed the door.

"What did you do to him Gin? Hurt him? Kiss him? Kill him?" Aizen spun round. "…made love to him?"

"I said goodbye and stopped him from keeping me away for too long -"

"Too long?!" Aizen spat. Gin swallowed the rest of his words. Aizen only ever showed his true emotions and thoughts around Gin, and the brunette's anger scared Gin, although he never showed it.

Aizen grabbed hold of Gin's robe and slammed him into the wall.

"Kira Izuru is weak. That is why he cannot serve under me. I chose you, Gin, because you are strong and loyal.""Loyalty is Izuru's strength," Gin retorted coolly. This only earned him a dreadful glare.

"If I catch you outside Hueco Mundo without my permission again, I will kill you," Aizen whispered, dropping Gin to the floor. He fell with a hard thump, more than certainly bruising something.

Aizen bent down, close to Gin's face. "And as punishment, I'm confining you to this room for as long as I see fit. You vowed to serve me, so serve me!"

Gin leant towards Aizen and kissed him passionately, desperately, to show his love and devotion to the man before him.

Outside the door, Tousen listened to the conversation. He had heard the whole thing, and it wasn't the first time he had heard Aizen angry, or show any other emotion. The two "spoke" in that room a lot, and Tousen knew very well that Aizen trusted Gin more than him.

He felt sorry for the white-haired man. He was as blind to Aizen's cold heart as Tousen was to the world. He knew how much Gin cared for, and adored their superior… and he also knew how Aizen used Gin for his own pleasure and to get what he wanted. Although it would be wrong to say Aizen didn't love Gin, it would certainly make sense to say that he was very possessive about the man. Hence why he refused to let Gin out of Hueco Mundo without his watchful eye.

Tousen turned around and walked back to the throne room. _Maybe Ichimaru returned to Seireitei because he misses the feeling of being treated like a fellow soul, rather than an object._

He sat down in his seat, his back up straight, listening for the sound of anyone approaching. _Ichimaru seems to be torn. On one side is the man he has loved and adored ever since he was a child, yet Aizen treats him as an object. But on the other side, is the man who loves and adores him. _

The blind man smiled to himself. _This will probably get interesting._

-----

It was late afternoon when Izuru awoke. He blinked a few times, and tried to sit up, but a certain pain in his abdomen made him flop back down again. As he lay there, the events of the previous night played back in his head.

As he played it back, tears stung his eyes, but he shut them firmly. He refused to cry. Not anymore! His captain had come back to see him, he should be happy! And besides, Gin seemed worried about him. Izuru wanted to get stronger, to show Gin that he could be just as strong as Aizen.

"Oh, so you're finally awake?" said a voice at the door. Izuru looked over to see Shuuhei with a tray in his hands. He was smiling softly at the blonde, and walked over to dump the tray on the table beside Izuru's bed, and pulled up a chair.

"You saw him last night, didn't you?" he asked quietly, pouring his friend some green tea. Izuru looked up, shocked at first, but when he saw Shuuhei's calm features, he knew that the secret was safe.

"He… came to say goodbye. I don't think he was supposed to come though, since he winded me before he carried me back here…" he said, reminiscing. He thanked Shuuhei for the tea as it was passed over.

"Well doesn't that say something to you?" the spiky haired man replied, smiling. Izuru looked at him as he sipped the tea, trying to work out what his friend meant.

"Stupid, it means that he isn't as devoted to Aizen as we all think he is! If he was… he would never have thought about you, to risk coming back to say goodbye."

He shrugged. "Personally, I don't think he was saying goodbye. He'll come back again to see you, he won't be able to resist. That's the sort of person he is Kira-kun, and you should know that better than anyone."

"Hisagi-san… do you think Aizen is keeping him against his will then?"

Shuuhei shook his head. "No. Although if he had to sneak away from Hueco Mundo, it tells us that Aizen has at least some kind of leash on him."

Izuru looked down at his tea. "Maybe he won't come back then. Aizen will know Gin returned and-"

"Out of curiosity Kira-kun, why do you love him so much?" Shuuhei cut in.

Izuru looked from the tea and up to Shuuhei's face. His eyes were full of fire and determination, he seemed to be struggling to keep his calm facial expression. "B…because of everything we've been through-"

"I don't understand how you can still be in love with someone who betrayed you. Who is going backwards and forwards between you and Aizen, favouring HIM over YOU." Shuuhei's calm appearance broke, and he now looked angry and frustrated, unable to understand Izuru's logic and emotions.

"Hisagi-san! It's not my fault who I fall in love with!" Izuru retorted, hurt that the one person he thought would understand, and help him be strong, would say these things.

"Yes it is Izuru! You could let go of him! If you don't, you're going to get hurt!" he shouted back.

"What's going on in here?!" said another voice at the door. A certain red head poked his head round the door.

"Hisagi-san? Kira-kun? What's wrong?" Renji asked, looking confused.

Shuuhei stood up without another word or another glance at Izuru, and leaving the tray behind, he walked out of the room. Renji carried on staring at Izuru, who now curled his knees up to his chin.

"Renji-kun?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Can you… teach me to be strong?"

Renji blinked a few times, before grinning. "I know the perfect place!"

---

Oh my god these are getting shorter and shorter D8 *shakes fish*

Well, I'm hoping next chapter will be longer. And it will also be a break from all the angsty drama! 8D It's also inspired by part of the Bleach Musical XD

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please R&R, it's very musch appreciated! 3


	4. Never Too Late

**A/N: **All this swine flu stuff is scary, neh? On Thursday there were apparently two cases of it in the city I live in [Birmingham, UK]. I hope I don't get ill D: I'm also worried about my boyfriend. It's probably just a normal cold, but he gets ill easily DX

I'm probably just being paranoid XD; ANYWAYS. FIC.

I've decided that I wanna upload a new chapter every weekend :3 I hope this is okay with everyone!

Thanks so much to my reviewers; TurquisePL, yaoi-fun-fan and StillEvilFlame! Luff to you guys! 3

_**WARNING:**_ This fic contains shonen-ai/yaoi, swearing, and possible OOC-ness [though I will try my best to keep them in character!] and is set after the first arc.

**Chapter 4 - Never Too Late  
**

It didn't take long for Renji to drag Kira out of bed. Within an hour, the blonde was washed, dressed and walking through the 3rd division of Seireitei. Renji was babbling on about taking him to "the best" and telling him how much stronger the trembling vice-captain would get.

But Kira's mind was wandering aimlessly. He found himself batting between wondering what Gin was doing and thinking about, to feeling guilty about what happened with Shuuhei earlier.

"Oi, are you listening?!" Renji exclaimed, smacking his best friend upside the head. Kira recoiled.

"Don't worry about Shuuhei, he'll be fine. Concentrate your energy on getting stronger and it'll happen sooner than you think!"

Kira nodded, and then looked up ahead of where they were walking to. He froze in fear. "R…R… Renji-san… we're not going where I think we are… am I?" he trembled, slowing down considerably.

Renji just rolled his eyes and grabbed Kira by the sleeve of his hakama, and dragged him quickly towards the gates that read "Division 11" above them, nodding greetings at random shinigami as they passed.

Soon they reached a large building in the centre of the division, and went inside, sliding open the doors carefully. They knew all too well that the vice-captain of Division 11 would be after their blood if they damaged the building in anyway. Female shinigami seemed scarier to males somehow.

Eventually they came to a particularly large door which led into the office of the Captain. Renji stood grinning proudly and turned to Kira. "Go on, go ask him!" he said, before noticing that the blonde was shaking all over - especially his knees.

"I…I…I can't R…Renji-san! My legs won't move!" he said in a high pitched, girly voice.

"Stop being such a wimpy little girl Kira!" Renji bellowed, grabbing Kira by the scruff of the neck and shaking him about violently."You'll break my neck!" Kira screeched in reply.

The door then slid open violently, and the two vice-captains were shadowed by the figure of a large and muscular man. He was covered in scars, had wild spiky hair, an eye patch and an evil, crazy look on his face.

"Renji! Kira! Stop making such a racket in my division!" he bellowed aggressively. Renji let go of Kira, who slid to his knees in front of the insanely strong captain. Zaraki Kenpachi terrified the living daylight out of him.

"Kenpachi-taicho!" Renji exclaimed. "Kira-kun came to ask you a favour!"

Kira looked at Renji with wide, pleading eyes. He was desperate to get stronger… but this wasn't the way he wanted to go about it!

"Well Kira? What do you want?!" Kenpachi asked, leaning down to look directly into Kira's blue eyes. He was struck with fear, until Renji kicked him in the side.

"I want to get stronger!" he squeaked suddenly, with the sharp pain to his side.

Kenpachi stared at him for a few moments, before starting to laugh. It was a terrible, gruff laugh that made Kira shrink back even more.

"HA! A weakling like you? Get stronger? Don't be ridiculous!"

"Please Taicho!" Kira exclaimed desperately. "I'll do anything!" He bowed down low, still trembling quite hard in Kenpachi's presence.

_I may not like it, but Kenpachi is probably the best bet I have…_ he thought.

Kenpachi stroked his chin. "So… you want to be a man hmm? … Ikkaku! Ayasegawa! Get in here!" he roared.

Within seconds, two other men had appeared besides the two vice-captains. One was bald and tough looking, whilst the other was pretty and looked delicate.

"You two, I want you to help Renji to train this coward on the floor, to be a man!" Kenpachi said sternly.

Ikkaku and Ayasegawa looked at each other in confusement, and then down at the cowering blonde.

"But taicho-"

"I'll test him when you think he's ready! Now all of you get out of here before I crush you with my reiatsu!" he threatened, almost spitting in their bewildered faces. It didn't take the four of them long to scramble down the hall and out of the building before Kenpachi could destroy them.

As they caught their breath outside, Kira was heavily bombarded with questions from the two 11th division members, mainly asking him why a vice-captain would need training from Kenpachi when he should be looking after his division.

"Because Ichimaru-taicho left! He obviously left because I'm weak, and a coward! I need to protect my division… and maybe… maybe if Ichimaru-taicho sees that I'm strong, he will come back. And then I can help Shuuhei-san, and Hinamori-kun. We can go back to normal…" Kira blurted out, a determined look on his face. "And to do that, I need your help! So please train me!"

Ikkaku shrugged. "Why not, beating you up will be fun," he smirked. "Let's head towards the training grounds."

Kira found himself being dragged by the bald man a short distance, where many other shinigami were practicing. They looked very strong, and Kira quickly became jealous. They seemed to be stronger than even him, a vice Captain!

"So… how do I look stronger?" he asked timidly.

Ikkaku hit him upside the head, as Renji had done earlier. "It's not about looks! It's about what's in the heart. You're a man in your heart!"

Kira rubbed the back of his head where Ikkaku had hit him.

"Ikkaku-san is right, Kira-kun. I may look incredibly beautiful, but beauty comes after heart!" Ayasegawa agreed, flicking his hair back gracefully. Kira couldn't help but wonder how much vainer Ayasegawa could actually be.

Ikkaku cleared his throat and turned back to Kira. "Anyway. I want you to say your name! Pride is one of man's best virtues!"

Kira looked down at the floor. "I am 3rd division's vice-captain, Kira Izuru…"

Or at least that's what he tried to say. His voice trailed off at the word "vice-captain".

"Eh? What? What did you say?" Ikkaku exclaimed, cupping a hand to his ear in order to try and hear what Kira had just said. "Speak up! Be proud of who you are! And don't hide your shaking legs under your hakama!"

"Ichimaru-taicho always told me that, but it just won't stop!" Kira cried back in a high-pitched, nervous manner. He was holding onto his legs, desperate to stop them shaking. Ikkaku pushed the vice-captain, who nearly fell over. He had to grab onto Renji's hakama to stop himself from landing on his backside, nearly choking his friend in the process.

"Kira you idiot!" and another hit upside the head was the immediate response from the red head.

"If you wanna be a man that talked about, fight me! Come at me!" Ikkaku grinned madly, taking his sword out of it's sheath and standing in an aggressive stance.

Kira gulped, and took out his own sword. He took his usual defensive position and waited for Ikkaku to make the first move - which of course, he did. Very swiftly, and his hits made Kira's already shaking legs even more unsteady.

Renji and Ayasegawa stood back and just watched Ikkaku swing madly at Kira. "He's useless," Ayasegawa sighed. "He never used to be this bad."

"It's because he's so stupidly insecure. When Ichimaru left, all of his self-confidence and fighting ability left as well. Kira used to be a really strong person, but now look at him. He can't even shoot a kido spell straight."

"So we need to somehow give him his confidence back? That sounds easy enough. We should shout beautiful things at him as encouragement," Ayasegawa said, flicking his hair again.

"Oi! Kira! Attack and you'll be more likely to win!" Renji screamed at him.

Kira heard the angry cry from his friend, and although his mind responded, his body didn't. He wanted to attack, move forward and defeat his opponent. But something in his mind was stopping him. Ikkaku suddenly struck out and grazed Kira's arm; ripping his hakama and his flesh. But he didn't stop.

It was then that Kira saw himself for what he had become. Scared. Timid. Weak. And all because one person left him alone? One person, whom he had loved dearly had broken his heart. But above all that, there were still people who cared about, and people who needed his help. He needed to stop wallowing in his misery and fight with all he had to protect everyone he loves from the growing danger that lurked in Hueco Mundo. Even if he died trying.

Suddenly he found his legs became still, and his defence became sturdy. He chanced striking out at Ikkaku - and landed a hit.

Ikkaku was slightly surprised, and took a few steps back. A dribble of blood trickled down his cheek, which he wiped away.

"Alright, so you're finally going to get serious?" he grinned. "You're on your way to becoming a man!"

They began to fight full-on, shouting and using everything they had to beat their opponent. Everyone else in the training area had stopped what they were doing, and retreated to watch the fight; reiatsu and tension slowly rising.

"I'll kill you, don't get in my way!" Kira exclaimed angrily, dodging Ikkaku's sword and firing a poweful kido attack, which blew up in Ikkaku's face.

_I'm going to be so strong. Only for you Taicho. This is all for you! Be proud of me…_

_------_

**A/N: **Yay, Kira is getting stronger :D This chapter was rather fun to write. Except nothing really happened, but hey! It's a bit of a break from angsting all the time XD

Poor Kira, getting hit upside the head every 5 minutes XD

Anyways. **Please rate and review**! Next chapter will be drama-ified. With a pairing I'm quite fond of. Mwa ha ha 8D


	5. It Only Hurts When Your Eyes Are Open

**A/N: **I'm so sorry I haven't updated for ages . I seriously haven't had chance. First it was some crazy college assignment I had to rush finish, then I had to sort out my Gin cosplay for the convention I went to [London May Expo], half term week I had my boyfriend round and then I was at a WorldVII rehearsal [WorldVII is a Final Fantasy VII fan film in the works, if you're interested, ask!]. Not to mention a rush of end-of-year college work XD

Here are some photos from Expo of myself and my Kira [O. Forgetful .O, on fan fiction] and my Aizen [my boyfriend]. Remove the gaps when you copy and paste the links into your browser~!

http:// ladywhitetiger . deviantart . com/art/Division-3-Gin-and-Kira-124550385

http:// ladywhitetiger . deviantart . com/art/Kira-s-Revenge-XD-124550580

http:// ladywhitetiger . deviantart . com/art/Traitors-in-Love-124550922

http:// ladywhitetiger . deviantart . com/art/Squad-3-Bleach-Photoshoot-124551363

As you can see, I was the only Captain Gin :P I prefer Captain Gin to Hueco Mundo Gin :]

I also broke up with said boyfriend [so he's my ex now I guess], so as well as my Gin muse and I being quite upset, my Aizen muse has completely disappeared, and seeing Aizen/Gin pictures upsets me… not good when writing a fic which contains Aizen/Gin… we're still friends so hopefully Aizen-muse will turn up again soon XD

But anyway, I shall stop babbling. Here's the story!

**Chapter 5 - It Only Hurts When Your Eyes Are Open**

The entire day for Izuru was spent training with Ikkaku, refusing to stop for anything; not the rain from the sky or the pain in his muscles. His pure determination kept his adrenaline up, and only when Kenpachi intervened did he stop.

"Kira, you can stop now. Come back tomorrow." The captain growled. He clearly wasn't happy with the lack of action he himself was getting, and irritatedly shooed the lieutenants from the training grounds. As impatient as he was, he couldn't let the blonde kill himself from exhaustion, after all.

Izuru nodded and withdrew his blade, before tiredly bowing to his tutor. "Thank you so much for teaching me. I will rest up and be ready to fight again tomorrow." He said, resolute despite his soft voice. Wearily he began the journey back to his vice-captain quarters.

He hadn't felt so calm in so long. Fighting Ikkaku all day had helped to clear his head and make some decisions; he was going to apologise to Shuuhei. He was going to look after his division as best as he could. He was going to try his best to replace Gin and become a good Captain to Division 3. And, of course, the hardest thing of all - he was going to move on from Gin, and finally take up his life and duties.

Even the post-battle calm couldn't quash the surprise he felt on finding Shuuhei sitting on his bed when he entered his quarters. The tattooed man looked up when he entered, rising as the blonde walked towards him.

"Kira-kun… where have you been?" he asked. The worry in his voice was poorly hidden.

"Training with Division 11 to get stronger. Why? You haven't been waiting for me all day have you?"

Shuuhei's cheeks went a little pink. "… I just wanted to apologise for what I said this morning."

"Hisagi-san, I-"

"No Kira-kun, hear me out!" Shuuhei cut in determinedly.

Izuru gulped and nodded. He realised that it'd probably be better not to piss Shuuhei off any further.

"What I said… it was out of order. I guess I'm starting to feel the stress and strain of having the responsibilities of both a Captain and Vice Captain. I started to blame Tousen-san for it, and I admit I couldn't understand why you still loved Gin-sama. Plus…" he shuffled his feet nervously, and murmured the next part almost inaudibly. "… I'm jealous. I'm the one helping you pick up the pieces, to help you. But you still want to go after the one that hurt you."

Izuru just looked at him speechless. Shuuhei… liked him? Oh.

That explained a lot. It also him feel uneasy. As much as he appreciated the help and attention from the man who was also struggling to cope from the loss of his Captain, Izuru didn't want to give up on Gin yet. He just couldn't, not after all he'd been through!

"Hisagi-san… it's probably better if we… keep ourselves to ourselves, you know?" He said softly. Shuuhei stared at him.

"B-but Kira-kun-"

"No buts Hisagi-san." Izuru ordered quietly, face stern and determined. "We both have huge responsibilities now we no longer have Captains. Having a relationship wouldn't be the best thing to do at this point."

Shuuhei looked at the floor, and after a moment of indecision walked silently towards the door. He stood in the doorway, one hand on the frame, refusing to look back.

"Alright Izuru-san. I understand what you're saying. From now on we will only have a professional relationship. I won't bother you any more, I promise. Good luck with your training." He croaked, almost robotically, before disappearing completely.

As soon as Shuuhei's footsteps were out of his hearing range, Kira fell face first onto his bed and buried his blonde head into the thin pillow. He felt like an idiot. He had just shot the one person who loved him and wanted to help down in flames.

Why had he done that? Didn't Gin do exactly the same thing to him?

Fear struck Kira like a Quincy arrow. What if he was turning into Gin? Was he missing the man so much that he was going to morph into another terrifying, traitor Captain?

Misery replaced the fear. Perhaps that was indeed his fate. He didn't like it one bit, but if that was his future, he accepted it with open arms.

He rolled over and stared at the ceiling, tears stinging his eyes. "No, I can't cry any more. I've got to smile. Smile and be strong for my division."

Icy eyes then shut, and he fell asleep with a strained, but firm, smile on his face.

* * * *

The moon shone through a single window to pool on the floor. Ichimaru Gin had absolutely no idea how long he had been in the room behind the throne room. His disappearance probably held no interest for the Arrancar; none of them liked him anyway. And Aizen had probably spun some kind of lie to Tousen about sending him on an errand…

He chuckled to himself. The man was cunning, certainly. And it was one of the things Gin loved about Aizen, amongst many other things. But he couldn't help feeling jealous of the other two men. Most or all of the Arrancar liked them… Gin felt rather alone without someone to talk to, and since Luppi had been demoted he had been even lonelier. He often wished for Izuru to come and rescue him, but then he remembered why he was there, and scolded himself for being so selfish.

As he lay there, bathing his skinny body in the tiny amount of moonlight, he heard faint footsteps approaching the room. He tried to sit up but couldn't find the energy; Aizen had used him far too much in the past few days, and he simply had none left. He just smiled wider at the thought.

But as Aizen came through the door, he didn't go on the attack. Instead he placed a tray of food on the floor beside the weakened Gin, and propped him against the wall. With surprising gentleness he took the silver-haired man's chin, spooning the meal into the mouth of his weakened subordinate.

"You will be going on an errand for me soon, Ichimaru." He said finally, letting the spoon clatter into the empty bowl.

Gin's eyes traced over the soft-yet-stoic features of his lover and leader. The set of his broad shoulders told him it was a serious mission, and the glint in steely eyes gave away that it was one none of the Espada should know about. Perhaps even Tousen was uninformed.

It must be dangerous… or even suicidal. He inwardly smirked.

"You will be returning to Soul Society, to gather some papers about the Kings Key I left behind. No doubt they will be heavily guarded and in evidence around the 12th Division sector, but I absolutely cannot have them working out what we're doing right now," he explained, pushing the hair out of Gin's hair and stroking his bony cheek.

Gin nodded. "I'm ready when you are, Aizen-sama…" He whispered softly. Aizen rewarded him with a small kiss.

"Then you have a month to prepare. I hear your old vice-captain is training up to impress you… perhaps it will be interesting for you to fight him…" He smirked, standing up and leaving the room. The door swung open, showing Gin a glimpse of freedom. But by then, even the scent of liberty couldn't stir the fox into movement.

The smile had disappeared from his face. He knew exactly what Aizen wanted, and it wasn't the papers.

He wanted Gin to show more of the undying loyalty the man pledged to him, but this was the extreme. He wanted Gin to fight, and more than likely destroy, his old vice-captain. His Kira. Now was the time to make that crucial choice that he had hesitated over for so long; serving Aizen as he had pledged himself to do for the remainder of his life, or saving the only man that loved him.

What a cruel choice indeed.

----

**A/N: **Gosh, why is my Aizen muse such a sadistic bastard? XD I have a few mild ideas, but hey ho…

Thanks for reading, please R&R if you enjoyed it! And thanks to O. Forgetful .O for BETA-ing for me~! Love you all, and sorry for the long delay in updating T.T


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